REVEALED! 3 Couples Share Their Stories Of Staying In Love Non-Stop
By ANTONINA DĘBOGÓRSKA
Is it possible to 'continuously' stay in love?
To desire your partner as much or more than what it was when you were just starting to know each other?
Well, yes. It is.
In my clinical practice, I have observed that couples whose narratives about their relationship are full of emotions are the most passionate one and they stay this way even after spending a number of years together.
In my last blog, I discussed passion in a relationship. There, I talked about the challenge of being in a passionate relationship.
The challenge of being a passionate long-term couple is based on the paradox to handle the combination of 'erotic' and 'domestic'.If you want to stay in love and maintain passion in a long-term relationship, you need to choose 'risky' rather than a 'comfortable' perspective.Treating your partner only as your 'safe base' will be nice and cozy but surely not challenging. Grasping and tolerating fear, uncertainty as a part of being in love can turn your 'domesticated' relationship into a great (erotic) adventure.
Passionate doesn't mean perfect. Actually, it's the opposite. They quarrel at times, the come through times when they don't believe in their relationship anymore, or they suffer from the feeling that they're more in love than their partner - sometimes both at the same time.
Isn't it lovely?
We asked couples in long-term relationships to describe their feelings and experiences for their significant other.
Here's what they had to say -
Anna (31) and Chris (34)
Anna - We have been together for the last decade. We have two children. I'm so in love with him that it hurts. And it gets tiring. And, I know that I could focus on many negative traits of his that’ll push me away from him. Instead, I decided to accept that pain I feel when I'm in love. And he feels the same too. We never hurt each other, he knows I'm crazy about him, as I am aware of the fact that he is crazy about me too.
We are obsessed with each other and at the same time, we're jealous, driving each other mad. We trust each other, love insanely but don't take each other for granted. I think what's important for us is that we're aware of our dark sides and don't subvert it. Chris knows that I can be bad to the bones - rejecting, destructive, fickle-minded. I know he can be cruel, impulsive, aggressive. All that pain and risk is accepted between the two of us and is a known entity in our relationship.
Hence, we don't need to act it out. We are aware of each other's individuality and strength. We both know that we're capable of just standing up and walking away if we feel like. Our desire is fueled by respect.
Chris - I keep telling Anna that it's pathetic how much I am in love with her. I wish for every woman on this planet to have a man who is as much in love with their partner as I am with Anna.
Anette (34) and Adam (28)
Anette - It's crazy that even after two years of being together I get butterflies in my stomach when I receive a text from Adam. I just see his name on my phone and react like it's one of the first messages that I received. I have no idea how it works.
I thought I was in love with my exes. But if I was in love before, how can I name this feeling? Obsession? I was under the impression that it's only possible in a platonic situation. But the thing is that we're both like this. We stare at each other when we are at a party. People envy us.
Adam - I would do everything for her. I have known her for all my life and I think she is perfect. Anette is amazing at everything she does. Even when she screws up my laundry. I never judge her. Of course, she drives me crazy. I feel like strangling her at times. I'm jealous. I often have the urge to close her in a cage.
I can't describe the feeling - like a child who breaks a toy out of curiosity. But I am aware that Anette is like an exotic bird. The only smart way to love her is to let her be free. She's independent, she does what she wants. So when she's with me, I know that the only reason is that she wants me. Desires me. Because she doesn't NEED me.ALSO READ - Signs To Observe And Act Upon To Keep Your Relationship From Falling Off The Rails - The Gottman Theory
Joanna (31) and Martin (33)
Joanna - We trust each other and always miss each other. The two of us have time and energy-consuming careers, so when we are together, we want it to be fun. When we start to argue, it means that we are not spending enough time together and start to grow apart. So we usually plan a weekend together and everything seems to be back in order.
When I hear my girlfriends complaining about their partners leaving socks under the couch, I wonder if they don't have bigger issues to deal with? It seems like they need this drama to feel alive. That might actually be our secret. We don't argue about petty issues. When I see his socks I just grab them knowing that HE was probably the 'magical fairy' who cleaned my used cotton pads in the morning.
Martin - I think people over-analyze everything. When I listen to others saying that relationships are 'hard work' I wonder what they really mean. I don't feel that I need to work to be happy with my wife. I have so much 'work' at work, that it would be a disaster if I had to work hard in the relationship department too. We have so much fun together.
Of course, we argue at times, but then we talk, make love, have sex and in most cases that's the end of the story. When I'm angry, she makes me a sandwich. When she's angry, I tell her about my feelings for her. I'm with her whenever she needs me and I like the fact that she does need me sometimes. And that works. But I don't 'work'.
What do all these stories have in common?
The answer is RESPECT.
But a special version of it. It's respect towards the other person's individualism, personal and psychological space.
It confirms the research and practical work that was done by Esther Perel - a well-known sex therapist worldwide and author of two books. As she says, "Fire needs air." Autonomy and space fuels desire.
We need to see the person on the other side and cross the bridge. This is why certain relationships are so passionate.
So as you can see it's possible to be continuously in love.
But not easy to have.