Sex Fantasies And You - Get To The Bottom Of Your Erotic Visions

Sex Fantasies And You - Get To The Bottom Of Your Erotic Visions

By ANTONINA DĘBOGÓRSKA


Try convincing us that you never had sexual fantasies!

Yeah, right!

It's a part of being human! But it also makes for an interesting topic.

Jack Morin, who spent over 20 years of his career working with human sexual experiences discovered that when we compare our sex fantasies with our life history it becomes clear as to why and which imaginative turn-ons nest in our minds.

Imagine yourself really wanting to be sexually aroused but, for some reason, you're not. Based on everything you know about your sexuality, describe the fantasy that would most likely arouse you - this is one of the 80 tasks Morin - diplomat of the American Board of Sexology, board-certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist - gives to investigate to find out the nature of human erotic arousal.

Around 351 participants (called by the author "The Group") took part in his research. He used his Sexual Excitement Survey to ask participants to describe their real-life peak experience (the most exciting sexual encounters that they can recall) and their fantasies.

Diving into your sexual fantasy world can you give you hints as to what is needed or important for you right now - not only in the bedroom


Morin also asked about the first sex fantasies that participants could remember and the most exciting points of the fantasies in order to study the pattern of fantasies and wishes.

Needless to say, the conclusions were fascinating. Pleasure, pain and our fantasies all come together to make it one interesting plot.

Most powerful turn-ons are very often a mix of emotions.

Happiness, contentment, and relaxation goes along with anxiety, guilt, anger, and shame.

Jack Morin noticed that most of the peak experiences of the members of 'The Group' were wrapped up in obstacles and forbidden attraction which in turn creates excitement. He summarized it in a simple equation: ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT.

One can rarely predict, know or cozy up with peak eroticism. The above equation shows this. It grasps what we have always known about the human nature. We want what we don't have.

"Erotic experience, by nature, is shaped by the push-pull or opposing forces and is, therefore, energetic, interactive and potentially dangerous. We are most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster", says Jack Morin in his book 'The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.'


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Even though each individual has a unique pattern of erotic preferences, some patterns are more common than the others. Some memorability factors were more frequently observed in the anecdotes shared by the members of 'The Group'.

To that end, there were three main conclusions. First, many participants' peak encounters and fantasies include a 'firstness' characteristic i.e. when our expectations and routines are shaken by a surprise. Second, idyllic situations or partners, and third, extensions and restrictions of time. For example, when we're 'going to be late' or when you're about to climax and someone rings the doorbell.

All these factors show something crucial for sexual arousal - being completely present at the moment when awareness of what's happening right now consume all of our attention.

According to Morin, our fantasies are wrapped around one topic, which he called as Central Erotic Theme (CET). It is not a mere list of your turn-ons.

It's far more.

CET is a concept that inspires plots that we act out in our fantasies. He defines it as a 'hidden formula for transforming an unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure". CET lies at the heart of our individual erotic story, revolves around the challenges and wounds of early life. 

Our CET is there for us to eroticize pain and turn it into pleasure.

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This reminds me of one of my clients who felt horribly guilty for being attracted to her dentist. He was her husband's friend. She knew him for a couple of years and suddenly started to fantasize about him after letting him pull her tooth for the first time.

After digging deep into her experience I realized that hiding behind the fantasy was her need for someone competent, responsible and caring - diametrically opposite to her husband's recent behavior.

When I dug deeper, I found out that the traits she found attractive in her dentist were something she was missing...in herself.

She felt stuck in her life like her tooth before the pull. And she was longing to feel that she is capable of dealing with painful but decisive life - shakeouts.

Diving into your sexual fantasy world can you give you hints as to what is needed or important for you right now - not only in the bedroom. Look closely how your turn-ons change over time, what new ones arrive.

Take time to analyze why you fantasize about certain things. Your sex fantasy can reflect the conflict you want to solve or pain and fear that you eroticize and turn it into pleasure.

And in eroticism, as in life, free choices increase with consciousness.

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